Today marks two years since my sister heard the words confirming that Joshua has Autism. Here is a little insight into Joshua's World from an aunt's perspective:

12/18/14

Joshua's World

About a month ago I was talking to someone at work. I said something about my comment was misunderstood. I do not at all remember what I said, but in order to understand my comment the fact that Joshua has Autism was necessary. I then said, "it's his world, we're just living in it." The nurse I was talking to responded with more insight than I had at that moment. I said the comment offhandedly. Believing it. But not expecting her to understand. She said that "of course we live in his world. If he tried to live in ours it would be completely scary and overwhelming." I thought about that comment a lot. And honestly it still hits me at times.

Joshua cannot live in my world. He would not be able to handle it. So, because I'm the adult and I love him, I venture into his world when we are together. This is not easy if you think it sounds that way.

Probably a week after this conversation took place, Joshua was at my house, as he often is, and we were hanging out. Joshua came and asked me to put on a show. For those of you with little to no experience with verbally delayed children the exact sentence used was "show." Because Joshua has made progress and improved with his communication and speech, I asked what show he wanted to watch. He said "mas," which translates to Thomas and Friends. I sat in the chair with this little guy, who I love so much it hurts sometimes, and literally tried every Thomas on Netflix. None of those were the right Thomas. So, because his favorite Thomas was no longer on Netflix, I bought it on Amazon Instant Video and tried it. Again, it was not the right Thomas. I tried Dinosaur Train and VeggieTales and then all of the Thomas' again. None of these were the right "show." Joshua was, as you can imagine, not pleased. He was trying his hardest to communicate and I could not understand.

We were in different worlds.

I had to find a way to join him in his world, because his attempt to come into mine was unsuccessful. His attempts to communicate and express himself failed and he was not able to cope with this. I used the holy grail for my nephew, singing. I sang and sang and sang until he calmed down and was able to accept that his "show" was not going to be found that night. He hung out with me in my chair for a while and then went on his way until his mom came to pick him up.

I had to venture into his world because I love him and want what's best for him. While on this adventure, I was also not pleased. I was upset and frustrated that we could not communicate with each other. I was angry that Autism was not allowing Joshua to live in my world. And then, I was angry at myself for being angry at Autism. Because Autism is a part of Joshua and I do not want to be angry at part of this little guy I love. I also felt guilt. What right do I have to be angry when Joshua lives everyday with the struggle to communicate and cope with life's simplest tasks? What right do I have to feel this way when I do not live this everyday like my sister and brother-in-law?

When my sister and Joshua went home that night was when I felt the worst. I felt relief. Relief that I am not the one tasked with these challenges on a daily basis. With that relief came more guilt. And more questions. How can I best help Joshua? How can I best help my sister? My brother-in-law? I have no solutions. I have no answers. What I have to give is my support. What I have to give is my ability to listen without judgement and with love. What I have to give is my love. Which does not ways seem like enough.

A couple of years ago I was at a conference conducted by my church. A woman I have come to know and respect said this, "God does give us more than we can handle because then we have no other choice but to lean on Him." I have never forgotten these words and I have repeated them to others as I felt appropriate. I may not be able to handle it, but God can. That is the hope I have. That is the truth I cling to.

I do not understand the difficulty in my sister's house. I cannot understand the struggle Joshua has. I was not chosen for these tasks. I was given a different role. A supporting role. At times, it does not feel like enough. At times, it feels like I have been cast perfectly. In every situation, find your role and fulfill that to the best of your ability. You never know the affect you have on someone's day. Someone's life. Do not take your role lightly

Joshua has been over many many more times and nothing like this has happened again. I hope it does not. However, if it does, I will try to remember Who to lean on and find a way to venture once more into Joshua's world.

12/31

I ventured into Joshua's world again today as I do often. This time he was patient with me. He turned the tv on and asked to watch "Mater" - which is Mater's tall tales. Yay! I know this one. Then, he started asking for "cat" - I thought this might be one of his sigh word videos that he loves so much. I held them up to them and asked which DVD is was. He pushed both of them away and gave me a look. If you know Joshua,  his looks say a million words. It was neither of those videos - message received. I tried again and asked about Cars 2 or "triple speed," again the DVD was pushed away. Wrong again I sat down because he was not upset and he kept saying "cat." Joshua then took pity on me and came and took my hand. This is what he does when he wants to lead you to what he wants. He took me to the kitchen and I finally got it. He wasn't saying "cat" he was saying "ghet" which is his word for spaghetti. Eureka! We warmed up the bag of emergency spaghetti I had in my freezer and then ate a little Italian for dinner. This venture into Joshua's world was successful. He helped me along; he was the best naked tour guide someone could ask for, and We were able to meet in the middle. Days like this Joshua's world isn't so mysterious.